


STAR WARS AND PEACE: The Star Wars Can't Touch Us Here

by earsXfeet6669



Category: Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy, Star Wars - All Media Types, Voyná i mir | War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:20:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27583966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earsXfeet6669/pseuds/earsXfeet6669
Summary: It is a dark time for Space Russia.
Relationships: Fyodor "Fedya" Ivanovich Dolokhov/Elena "Hélène" Vasilyevna Kuragina
Kudos: 7





	STAR WARS AND PEACE: The Star Wars Can't Touch Us Here

**STAR WARS AND PEACE: THE STAR WARS CAN’T TOUCH US HERE**

It is a dark time in the galaxy. SPACE NAPOLEON has a BIG SHIP and we are all VERY SCARED of it. The EMPIRE really wants to kill SPACE ANATOLE KURAGIN, which is understandable actually. But it was still a pretty dick move blowing up Space Moscow. Like that was overkill, right?

Everyone is getting pretty sick of Space Anatole. The roguish CAPTAIN SPACE DOLOKHOV is seriously considering selling him to the Empire if he doesn’t shut the fuck up soon.

We join our heros in their rebel base on the remote ice planet of SPACE RUSSIA, where they are bravely locking themselves inside and ignoring the plight of the rest of their desperate, impoverished forces…

* * *

“We should just let him freeze to death,” said Space Dolokhov, fixing something nondescript and spacey on his spaceship, the Millenium Troika. Space Anatole had gotten himself into trouble again, and everyone at the resistance base was getting a little tired of saving his ass.

Space Princess Hélène looked annoyed. “He can’t. That would be really boring.”

“Do you think I care?” Asked Space Dolokhov. “It’s still the beginning of the movie, I’m apathetic and cruel.”

“Well it’s too early for me to kiss you and reveal your humanity,” said Space Hélène.

“Getting impatient?”

“Impatient to be rid of you.” She sighed, sitting down next to Bruin the Space Bear, the co-pilot, who hated the Empire almost as much as he hated cops. “I can feel that he’s injured.”

“Huh, that’s weird. Do you think you have a Force connection? Like twin telepathy or something?”

“No.” said Space Hélène decisively. “I’m sure it’s something normal and unimportant and this will never come up again.”

“Yeah you’re right.” Space Dolokhov slammed his hand against something and the spaceship roared to life. “Well, I’m gone. So long Princess.”

Suddenly, Space Anatole burst through the door. Collective groaning was heard all around.

"How did you escape?" asked Space Hélène.

"I seduced the Wampa." Space Anatole glanced up at the Millennium Troika, starting up the ramp without waiting for an invitation. "This place is a mess, Space Dolokhov. You live like this?"

"Get off my ship, Space Kuragin, I'm trying to leave."

"Oh good call. By the way I saw some Space Frenchmen, I think they found us."

"Shit, really?" Space Hélène had followed them into the Millennium Troika. "I guess we should go."

"Oh no, you two are _not_ coming with me," Space Dolokhov said, moving to the cockpit.

"Then why are we on your ship?" asked Space Anatole.

"He has a point," agreed Space Hélène. Then she paused. "Hey, aren't you supposed to go to Dagobah?"

Space Anatole shrugged. "Yeah, that's what the old man said, but honestly that sounds really boring. I mean, what the fuck is a Yoda?"

"Cool," said Space Hélène. "Maybe we'll have a love triangle."

Space Dolokhov frowned. "Gross."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure yet. But I think we'll find out soon."

Space Hélène shrugged. "I guess it is kinda weird that we have the same last name."

"Probably just a coincidence," said Space Anatole. So the three of them, and the space bear, soared off into the cosmos.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! There WILL be more of this haha :D. Let me know what you think! What characters should make an appearance? <3


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